The Air-To-Surface Missiles Problem In The Sonoran Desert

Words to live by “YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING DESERT!!!”-Sam Kinison

I live in the flat-ass desert of the United States, that is, the Sonoran Desert.

The other desert, the Mojave is not flat at all. Please take a look at the only elevated level of any kind within 35 miles of me. And it's man-made.

NEW FIRE STATION OPENED YESTERDAY!

Featuring two new trucks: a pumper and an aerial (ladder) truck. These impressive vehicles are stunning and each costs well over a million dollars.

I've read the pumper truck (left) is about a million and the ladder truck (right) is about a million and a half. I couldn't resist; my three young ones found it interesting for about twelve minutes, and they were serving up Firehouse Subs for onlookers.

Exiting the town public library after having to renew my five library cards and carrying out 23 books in bags, this extremely old cactus stands in the center of the library campus. It has literally split open as if it were an older person having an open-heart surgery standing up and you could see everything inside.

Notice the small mourning dove nested inside the cactus...

Mourning doves are quite a nuisance, particularly if you have solar panels, which are common here due to the lack of trees and the nearly constant sunshine. They leave droppings covering all 32 of the panels, reducing their efficiency with layers of colorful bird waste from one corner to the other. You have to wait for rain, which might not come for six months. Instead of a normal $56 dollar electric bill, you'll be more around $290.

You have to hire a guy to get up there and clean each panel, and the story they tell about the already established bird community is that they have to remove nests and bird eggs, and they are relocated to a sanctuary in Gilbert, 25 miles away.

None of us believe that, of course, but we really want to believe it, so we do.

A mommy built a nest in my rattan front porch hanging chandelier (which is what I call it to make it sound like I have money—when to be honest, they're three small nightlights from Home Depot). So when they employ their air-to-surface missiles onto my entrance porch, they are dead on target every single time to whoever is on the porch at the time. Those poor solicitors are always victims. Well... they USED to, but the word has gotten out, so they leave us alone.

Their last victory was the beautiful salesgirl who was trying to get a water sample from my home to sell me a water filter, and those doves got her in three different places before she got eight words out for her pitch.

She just turned around and walked off without a word. I am absolutely positive she drove home, threw the outfit away, showered, and never went back to that job again.

When it finally rains…it really rains. These monsoons are really something.

Wow!

The Amazon drivers put the packages down before they get to the porch and use these LEVER DOLLIES if the packages are small enough to shove underneath so the drivers don’t get clobbered with.

 I just mean, the situation is really, really nasty.

The monsoons leave the wayward and probably very confused monsoon toads in my pool as they

are uncovered from their yearlong dirt burial to mate, and without GPS, end up in a squared-off, inescapable swimming pool. There's not much action there I assume.

I am thinking about putting a sign up. “Birds above—watch for projectiles!” My neighbor says a simple “No soliciting” sign would do just fine.

Just a couple of cute little desert homes on the south side of the tracks here…and I’ll wrap up the neighborhood slide show with…

A NEARLY EMPTY RV STORAGE-RENTAL LOTS! THEY’RE ALMOST GONE!!!

Why would snowbirds come here? There's nothing to do here!

I don’t get it!